So...... over it.

I am so frustrated with Punkin, I don't know what to do. I am about to lose my mind with her. She is an absolute force of destruction. Everything in my house is broken, or ruined, or will be soon. She pulled my coat rack over and broke it in half. She purposely spills her juice on the floor so she can squish it on the carpet. She puts her baby dolls in the water table, then brings them inside and soaks my carpet. She'll have fishy crackers for a snack, and crumble them up in her hands and spread them on the carpet. She ripped the side of her hamper. She tears pages out of books (no matter how good a job I think I do at weeding out all the non-board books, she always seems to find others). I brought home a stack of spelling tests to grade and she got ahold of them and scribbled on most of them and ripped two of them in half. She broke my new cell phone AT THE EXACT MOMENT I took it out of the box - she just grabbed it from me and broke it. She gets into the bird cages and dumps their seed out, both in the cages and on the floor. She takes my DVDs off the shelf and takes them out of the cases, and now I don't know where most of them are because they're lost in the Kingdom of Toddlerland. My carpet is filthy... I can't stand the way it looks. I have someone coming to clean it on Friday, but I wonder what the point is because I know it's just going to get jacked up again soon. When my house is untidy, it makes me feel dirty and stressed and unorganized, and it feels that way all the time because I simply can't keep on top of things since I'm doing this alone.

I have tried putting things up and out of her reach, but she is extremely strong-willed and agile. This morning I went to the bathroom and when I came out, she was standing on the kitchen counter, trying to get her potty treats down from on top of the refrigerator. She has figured out all of the cabinet locks, the toilet lock and the fridge lock. She opens the drawers in the kitchen and pulls out the dish towels. Yesterday she got into the fridge and spilled an entire pitcher of iced tea on the floor. I get her dressed to leave, and then the moment we're in the car, she takes off her shoes and socks, takes out her hair bows and wiggles out of any other piece of clothing she can, so when we get where we're going, I have to re-dress her all over again which takes so much time!

We only live in a two bedroom apartment, so it's not like it's a huge house, but she does all of these things in the blink of an eye, even when I'm watching her. I feel like I spend so much time cleaning up after her, I'm just allowing her to get into more trouble. She's very hyperactive and needs a lot of physical stimulation, but I simply can't take her outside and keep her on the playground all day, you know? I have things I have to do as the only adult in the house - cooking, attempting to clean, etc. I've tried time-out, a smack on the butt (it didn't work and I hated doing it), yelling, talking to her, taking away toys, etc. NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK!!!

Before you think too badly of her, know that she is really a beautiful, sweet, loving, smart child. She's extremely verbal - at night, we lay in her bed together and just talk about all the things we did that day, and she can tell me anything she needs or wants. She's so smart - she can reason and use logic and count and recite books and even read a few words. She loves me to death - she loves to give me hugs and kisses and sit or lay with me. I truly do love that child with every fiber of my heart and soul every moment of every day, even when I'm about to lose it with her, so I don't want you to think I hate my kid or something - nothing could be further from the truth.

Of course it doesn't help that her dad seems to think he's the new expert on child rearing and says she's not like this at HIS house, because HE keeps her under control and keeps her stimulated, etc. He loves to tell me what I'm doing wrong (both with Punkin and in my personal life, which I've told him to butt the hell out of, thankyouverymuch) and it infuriates me because he sees her, what, 4, MAYBE 5 days a month? If it's convenient for him? I have her the other 25 days of the month and I'm WORN THE HELL OUT. There is no one to help me... occasionally my parents will watch her for me but they always give me a big guilt trip about it. Then they have the nerve to ask me all the time when I'm going give them more grandkids. Even after Brenden dumped me last week, my dad kept asking me when I was going to start dating again so he could have more grandkids. I desperately do want more kids, but for the love of God, SHUT THE HELL UP! I am struggling enough with life as it is! And I'm certainly not having any more kids when I'm a single mom!

Please don't tell me that she's 2 and that it's normal and that it will pass. I know she's 2, I know it's somewhat normal, I know it will pass, but at THIS moment in time, I am exhausted, and worn out, and frustrated, and burnt out, and broke, and angry, and ready to send her to live with the monkeys (and send my parents, too).

Some Punkin funnies...

Today, Nana, Punkin and I did some grocery shopping at Publix.  We were stopped in the middle of an aisle and Punkin stood up in the cart, on the seat of the little plastic racecar or whatever the thing was.  Nana sneezed (sounded like a cannon going off) and it startled Punkin so bad she fell off the seat and into the cart.  I started laughing - a deep belly laugh - and Punkin looked at me and said, "Mommy!  You crack up!"

......................................................................................................

This evening I was sitting in my chair and looked up to see Punkin lugging a huge, FULL pitcher of juice from the fridge over to me, along with her sippy cup.  I've told her a million times not to go in the fridge, but she does anyway.  I took the pitcher and got close to her face and told her, "Punkin, Mommy has told you NOT to go in the fridge!  You might spill the juice!  If you want something, you ask Mommy and I will get it for you, but you do NOT go in the fridge, do you understand me?"  Punkin smiled at me real big, held out her cup and said, "Oh, thank you, Mommy."  Then I SWEAR she batted her eyes at me.

Oy vey... what a day.

Today's events:
1) My favorite student withdrew from my class (I, whom I really loved because of her sweet little personality. Smart, cute, hard worker, patrol. Now she's gone).
2) Pretty sure Bren dumped me. (Don't have the time or energy to explain everything at the moment, but he said things have felt "different" lately and he can't put his finger on it. This does not help other potentially stressful issues in my life).
3) Had to sit through one of M's asinine meetings on my lunch break. (which, by the way, is an off-the-clock time period that I should not be expected to having meetings during. Especially if they're M's meetings. I cannot stand that woman - her screaming, her name-calling, her belittling. I. CAN'T. STAND. HER.)
4) Punkin is acting like a maniac. (She spent the last two nights at J's since Mom, Dad and I went to the Steelers/Bucs game yesterday and he lets her do anything she wants, so when she comes home she forgets how to act. So she's jumping on the couch, squirting salad dressing on the floor, taking her diaper off at will, etc. Woohoo.)
5) Found out the second job I applied for won't hire me because I'm the wrong race. (I applied for a tutoring job that pays $60/hr and found out today that the owner/operator is only hiring black people since most of their tutoring students are black.)


It's been a great day.

If you're curious...

For those of you who are wondering, yes, I will be posting the rest of the blogs about our Chicago/Iowa trip soon!  Stay tuned!

Can I clone myself?

The thing I hate the most about being a single mom is that I feel like I never have time for the Punkin.  It wasn't that bad this summer because I didn't have to go to work and we got to spend all day together, which I totally loved.  But I've only been back in school 4 days and I already feel like I'm neglecting her.  I've been trying to get to the gym regularly since we got back from vacation but I feel guilty whenever I go because she has to be in the gym daycare for an hour while I work out, which is an hour I could be spending with her.  So then it becomes a battle of what's more important: the long term goal of getting healthy and losing weight, or the short term goal of spending as much time as possible with Julianne.  I hate having to choose between the two.

Take today, for example.  I had to work regular hours (8 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.) but I didn't get out of school until about 4:00.  Drove to the sitter to get Punkin, then on the way home I stopped at Al.bertson's to get some stuff for dinner.  By the time we got home, it was 5:15, and I really wanted to go to the 6:30 BodyFlow class at the gym, which meant we had to leave at 6:15.  So I had an hour to get dinner ready and eat it.  I was also planning on Bren coming over after we got home, so I wanted to do the dishes, vacuum the house and change the sheets on my bed.  I started cooking dinner and doing the dishes at the same time, but it was difficult because Julianne wanted to be held.  When I made it clear that I was trying to cook dinner and couldn't really hold her, she decided to go wild.  She took off her diaper and started running around the house, and pooped on the throw rug in the kitchen and peed all over the living room carpet even though she is perfectly capable of using the potty and knows right where it is.  Sigh.  So instead of spending time with her, I had to clean that up.

Dinner wasn't ready till about 6:05, which means there were only 10 minutes to eat.  I figured I could eat when I got home, but Punkin needed to eat so I sat her down with a bowl while I got dressed.  So that was 10 minutes I couldn't spend with her because I had to make sure I was dressed.  We headed to the gym, I dropped her in the daycare, went to class for an hour, then picked her up and came home.  We got home at 7:45, then I only got to spend 45 minutes with her before bedtime.  We sat in my chair and shared a bowl of noodles (my dinner that I never got to eat!) and watched some TV before we went in her room and changed her diaper and put her  in jammies.  We rocked in the rocking chair while I sang "Rock-A-Bye-Baby" over and over (and over and over and over and over), which has really become my favorite nighttime ritual with her, and then she went to bed.

So all in all, I feel like I hardly spent any time with her today.  I'd say maybe an hour this morning getting ready to go and on the drive to work.  Then maybe an hour this afternoon on the way home from work and at the store.  Maybe 15 minutes at home while I worked on dinner, 10 minutes to the gym, 10 minutes home from the gym, and 45 minutes before bed.  So, in the 14.5 hours I've been awake today, I've only spent 3 hours and 20 minutes with Punkin, and I wouldn't call much of that quality time, since 68% of Punkin time was spent in the car.

I only spent 24% of my day with the love of my life.  I spent 55% of my day at my job that I... well... at my job.

I spent 7% of my day having "me" time, which is what I am constantly told is my workout.  But oddly enough, I don't think about myself during my workouts.  I think about Punkin.

I HATE HATE HATE that I can't spend more time with her.  I HATE HATE HATE it.