Closed doors, opened windows!

Pete and I aren't dating anymore.  I'm not sure I'd say it was mutual, but it was definitely what I wanted.  We had ended up mostly in the "friend" zone... there was no affection or anything other than a quick goodbye kiss when he would leave.  Plus, he was so judgmental and close-minded about so many things that I cared about (he always had something to say about babies being born out of wedlock, or how he didn't believe in gay rights or global warming, etc) I really couldn't take it anymore.  And he was STILL, after 7 months of dating, talking about his ex.  It got to the point when I would actually get disappointed when he said he had a day off because I knew that meant he wanted to come over.  So when he started working at Disney and was never able to be over anymore, I didn't push him to come visit us.

Anyway... I posted an ad on an on-line dating site (because quite frankly, that's the only way I can meet people these days!) and I got about a hundred responses.  Most of the guys hadn't bothered to read my ad about what I was looking for (over 25, employed, educated, etc) and I'd say I had to delete about 60 of them.  I responded to the other 40 and got about 20 back from that, then gradually wound my down to 2 guys.  The first one, Shawn, seemed nice at first but then he got way too pushy - talking about how he'd want to adopt Julianne and how he'll come over and spend the night, etc. I kept telling him I didn't want those things and to back off, but he kept coming full force, so I had to tell him I wasn't interested because he wasn't respecting my boundries.

The second guy, Brenden, seemed quiet at first... not a lot typed in his emails and we mostly texted before we met.  We met at Olive Garden for our first date and I had to bring Juli because my sitter cancelled on me at the last minute and Brenden said he'd love it if I brought her along.  He and Julianne got along so well - the whole time we were out I felt like he and Julianne were the ones on the date and I was just along for the ride, lol.  We had dinner, then went to a lake near the restaurant and walked around the path on the lake but we eventually went home because it was just way too hot and humid and it was Juli's bedtime.

Once we got back to my apartment I got Julianne to bed, then he and I sat on the couch and wound up sitting there talking till two in the morning.  It was so nice!  I really enjoyed myself.  I've been to his place for dinner and this week I'm house-sitting for my parents so he came over here and I made dinner while he and Julianne played.  I'm actually going over to his place tonight because Juli will be at her dad's.  The other night we were laying on the couch together, snuggling (he's a big-time snuggler!  YAY!) and he told me he wanted me to be his girl.  I practically melted... he's so sweet!

Mother's Day Out

J took the Punkin today for his weekly visit.  He picked her up at the sitter's house this morning around 11 and when I talked to him around 4, they were out on his boat.  I panicked for a moment till he reassured me that she was wearing a life vest and was sitting nicely on the seat in the boat, not about to hop overboard in search of her "sishie" friends.  To be honest, I'm not sure she knows that sishies live under the water that she was sitting on.  But that's okay, she has plenty of time to learn.

As much as I love the idea of her dad teaching her to love the water and being outdoors, it kinda bums me out that I'm not the one doing that.  I don't own a motorcycle, I don't own a boat, I don't even own a life vest I could use to take her OUT on a boat if I had one.  I really want to take her canoeing, but I think she's too young to understand that she has to SIT STILL at all times or the damn thing will tip over.  I'd like to take her hiking but her love of exploring and running away from Mommy would leave me running through poison ivy, trying to catch her and wrestle her back into a stroller.  Eventually I will do that outdoorsy stuff with her, but I wish I was the one able to do it now.  I know even in 2 parent families there's always going to be one parent who does all the "fun" stuff and one person who has to be the boss, but it totally sucks.  She's going to associate his house with playing with other kids and going out and doing fun stuff and my house with being at the sitter's all day, then naps and baths and mommy not being able to play because she's cleaning.  I need to work on making sure we do lots of fun stuff together, just the two of us.

So since Punkin is with her dad, I decided to go do something I haven't done since before she was born: I got a pedicure.  It was soooooooooooooo lovely!  Someone pampering my feet and painting my nails... ahhhhhhh.  I feel like I'm supposed to feel sad and lonely when Punkin is with J.  Like I'm not supposed to enjoying anything I'm doing while she's not here.  On some level I do, but today, for the first time, I really and truly enjoyed my "Konnie" time.  It was great to be able to relax and have someone take care of me for a just a little while!

Even if I did have to pay for it. :-)

Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God!

Today was one of those days where all I wanted Julianne to do was take a nap. A long drawn-out nap that would allow her to wake up refreshed and pleasant and happy. Instead she slept for about a half hour, and only because she was so tired I put her in the crib at my parents' house and let her fuss herself to sleep. She woke up miserable and crying (as she always does after a too-short nap) and Nana had to take her outside to calm her down for a bit. I understand that she's a toddler, but MY GOD, does she have to get into EVERYTHING? I'm very glad that she's not a TV watcher, but today it would have been wonderful if she could sit still for just a half hour of Dora the Explorer or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She gets into every newspaper, every cabinet, every drawer... she climbs on top of every chair, every table, every piece of furniture in the whole damn house. I really enjoyed having Spring Break to spend with her, but it is EXHAUSTING spending every moment with her since there's no one else to watch her. I was supposed to go out last night but Mom told me after she already said she'd watch Julianne that she had plans and couldn't watch her. So I wound up staying home with her. Being home with her isn't a bad thing at all, but I think every mother out there can relate to the feeling of needing to get out for an hour of conversation that doesn't include the words "Mama" "Potty" "Good Girl" or "Night Night." I could have always asked Sammie to watch her, but Sammie lives so far away it would be ridiculous to drive all the way over there to drop her off, drive home to get ready, then go out, then drive back to pick her up and drive home.

In other news, I asked J if he was taking Julianne on Monday like normal and his response was "No, it's S's (his girlfriend) birthday." Wow. Must be nice to not have to worry about finding a baby-sitter and just be able to make plans whenever. I really want to just call him one day and say, "Hey, you have to take Juli for the next three days, I have an emergency, have fun, bye," and then just leave him to panic about what he's supposed to do.

But that's not nice.

Um, am I supposed to be playing tea party?

I was watching this TV show about a little girl who wished her teddy bear alive so she could have tea parties with him.  It made me think that I've never played tea party with Julianne.  It also made me realize that I've never played tea party at all.  I never played as a kid.  To be honest, I'm not so fond of tea.  I might have it once or twice a year if my mom makes it and puts sugar and milk in it.  Iced tea a bit more often, but I'm still not clamoring to get the Sunday paper to clip coupons for Lipton Tea Bags.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing all the mom things I'm supposed to be doing to nurture Julianne.  Do I need to be playing tea party with her so she becomes acquainted with the details of fine dining?  Am I supposed to be taking her to the child's art museum so she can be intellectually stimulated by the colors and shapes?  Should I be cooking different foods that I don't like so her palate can become acquainted with different tastes? 

Does anyone have the Mommy Rule Book that I can borrow?

It's just not fair

For the past week or so, I have been following the story of a 2-year-old little girl named Layla Grace. Her family has a blog (www.laygrace.org) and a twitter account (www.twitter.com/laylagrace). Layla began battling Stage IV neuroblastoma (read: really nasty cancer) ten months ago, when she wasn't even two years old. Over the past ten months, she's endured treatments and agonizing pain while dealing with this. When it became evident that Layla was not going to make it through the cancer, her family began doing everything they could to make her comfortable. For the past two weeks, Layla's parents have spent every waking moment with her. They have read to her, changed her, slept with her and generally been right there next to her as she's fought for her life every moment of every day. They have watched their youngest daughter - a tiny, precious, beautiful, innocent child - die a slow, painfully agonizing death, knowing there was nothing they could do to stop it.

Early this morning Layla went home to be with the Lord.

I have cried endless tears over this child that I have never met.  I have prayed as hard as I could that if the Lord was not going to heal her here on earth, that He take her to Heaven to be healed there.  As terrible as the death of a child is, it was almost a relief to hear that Layla had finally passed.  At least her suffering is over.

Not only have a cried and prayed for this girl, I have become much more tolerant of Julianne.  Every time I start to get frustrated with her for one reason or another, Layla pops into my brain and instead I hug my baby.  I lean over her crib at night while she sleeps and talk to her and tell her how much I love her, how precious and wonderful she is, and say a prayer over her.  When she falls asleep in my arms, instead of rushing to put her in the crib so I can get stuff done, I rock with her and gaze at her beautiful face.  I hug and kiss her more, I play with her more, I touch her face more.  I cannot imagine ever hearing someone tell me that my child is going to die.  The very thought of someone ever saying anything like that to me brings me to tears.  I cannot IMAGINE my life without Julianne.  As far as I'm concerned, if there is no Julianne in my life, I have no life.  I cannot go on without her.  It's only Julianne and I... it has been from the beginning.  There would be no husband to switch off shifts with me while caring for my child.  If anything were to ever happen to her, I would be left alone.  I would be ALONE.  Alone in this apartment.  Alone with Julianne's clothes.  Alone with her toys.  Alone with her books.  Alone with her pictures.  Alone with my thoughts, and my memories.  Alone with the unbearable knowledge that my child would never be coming back.

There would be no other children, no husband, no one to help, to experience the loss, and help me through it.  I would be faced with all of it alone.  I know these are all what-ifs, but I can't stand the thought of losing Julianne, and I can't stand the thought of being alone forever, without her.

My heart has broken for Layla's family.