So...... over it.

I am so frustrated with Punkin, I don't know what to do. I am about to lose my mind with her. She is an absolute force of destruction. Everything in my house is broken, or ruined, or will be soon. She pulled my coat rack over and broke it in half. She purposely spills her juice on the floor so she can squish it on the carpet. She puts her baby dolls in the water table, then brings them inside and soaks my carpet. She'll have fishy crackers for a snack, and crumble them up in her hands and spread them on the carpet. She ripped the side of her hamper. She tears pages out of books (no matter how good a job I think I do at weeding out all the non-board books, she always seems to find others). I brought home a stack of spelling tests to grade and she got ahold of them and scribbled on most of them and ripped two of them in half. She broke my new cell phone AT THE EXACT MOMENT I took it out of the box - she just grabbed it from me and broke it. She gets into the bird cages and dumps their seed out, both in the cages and on the floor. She takes my DVDs off the shelf and takes them out of the cases, and now I don't know where most of them are because they're lost in the Kingdom of Toddlerland. My carpet is filthy... I can't stand the way it looks. I have someone coming to clean it on Friday, but I wonder what the point is because I know it's just going to get jacked up again soon. When my house is untidy, it makes me feel dirty and stressed and unorganized, and it feels that way all the time because I simply can't keep on top of things since I'm doing this alone.

I have tried putting things up and out of her reach, but she is extremely strong-willed and agile. This morning I went to the bathroom and when I came out, she was standing on the kitchen counter, trying to get her potty treats down from on top of the refrigerator. She has figured out all of the cabinet locks, the toilet lock and the fridge lock. She opens the drawers in the kitchen and pulls out the dish towels. Yesterday she got into the fridge and spilled an entire pitcher of iced tea on the floor. I get her dressed to leave, and then the moment we're in the car, she takes off her shoes and socks, takes out her hair bows and wiggles out of any other piece of clothing she can, so when we get where we're going, I have to re-dress her all over again which takes so much time!

We only live in a two bedroom apartment, so it's not like it's a huge house, but she does all of these things in the blink of an eye, even when I'm watching her. I feel like I spend so much time cleaning up after her, I'm just allowing her to get into more trouble. She's very hyperactive and needs a lot of physical stimulation, but I simply can't take her outside and keep her on the playground all day, you know? I have things I have to do as the only adult in the house - cooking, attempting to clean, etc. I've tried time-out, a smack on the butt (it didn't work and I hated doing it), yelling, talking to her, taking away toys, etc. NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK!!!

Before you think too badly of her, know that she is really a beautiful, sweet, loving, smart child. She's extremely verbal - at night, we lay in her bed together and just talk about all the things we did that day, and she can tell me anything she needs or wants. She's so smart - she can reason and use logic and count and recite books and even read a few words. She loves me to death - she loves to give me hugs and kisses and sit or lay with me. I truly do love that child with every fiber of my heart and soul every moment of every day, even when I'm about to lose it with her, so I don't want you to think I hate my kid or something - nothing could be further from the truth.

Of course it doesn't help that her dad seems to think he's the new expert on child rearing and says she's not like this at HIS house, because HE keeps her under control and keeps her stimulated, etc. He loves to tell me what I'm doing wrong (both with Punkin and in my personal life, which I've told him to butt the hell out of, thankyouverymuch) and it infuriates me because he sees her, what, 4, MAYBE 5 days a month? If it's convenient for him? I have her the other 25 days of the month and I'm WORN THE HELL OUT. There is no one to help me... occasionally my parents will watch her for me but they always give me a big guilt trip about it. Then they have the nerve to ask me all the time when I'm going give them more grandkids. Even after Brenden dumped me last week, my dad kept asking me when I was going to start dating again so he could have more grandkids. I desperately do want more kids, but for the love of God, SHUT THE HELL UP! I am struggling enough with life as it is! And I'm certainly not having any more kids when I'm a single mom!

Please don't tell me that she's 2 and that it's normal and that it will pass. I know she's 2, I know it's somewhat normal, I know it will pass, but at THIS moment in time, I am exhausted, and worn out, and frustrated, and burnt out, and broke, and angry, and ready to send her to live with the monkeys (and send my parents, too).

Some Punkin funnies...

Today, Nana, Punkin and I did some grocery shopping at Publix.  We were stopped in the middle of an aisle and Punkin stood up in the cart, on the seat of the little plastic racecar or whatever the thing was.  Nana sneezed (sounded like a cannon going off) and it startled Punkin so bad she fell off the seat and into the cart.  I started laughing - a deep belly laugh - and Punkin looked at me and said, "Mommy!  You crack up!"

......................................................................................................

This evening I was sitting in my chair and looked up to see Punkin lugging a huge, FULL pitcher of juice from the fridge over to me, along with her sippy cup.  I've told her a million times not to go in the fridge, but she does anyway.  I took the pitcher and got close to her face and told her, "Punkin, Mommy has told you NOT to go in the fridge!  You might spill the juice!  If you want something, you ask Mommy and I will get it for you, but you do NOT go in the fridge, do you understand me?"  Punkin smiled at me real big, held out her cup and said, "Oh, thank you, Mommy."  Then I SWEAR she batted her eyes at me.

Oy vey... what a day.

Today's events:
1) My favorite student withdrew from my class (I, whom I really loved because of her sweet little personality. Smart, cute, hard worker, patrol. Now she's gone).
2) Pretty sure Bren dumped me. (Don't have the time or energy to explain everything at the moment, but he said things have felt "different" lately and he can't put his finger on it. This does not help other potentially stressful issues in my life).
3) Had to sit through one of M's asinine meetings on my lunch break. (which, by the way, is an off-the-clock time period that I should not be expected to having meetings during. Especially if they're M's meetings. I cannot stand that woman - her screaming, her name-calling, her belittling. I. CAN'T. STAND. HER.)
4) Punkin is acting like a maniac. (She spent the last two nights at J's since Mom, Dad and I went to the Steelers/Bucs game yesterday and he lets her do anything she wants, so when she comes home she forgets how to act. So she's jumping on the couch, squirting salad dressing on the floor, taking her diaper off at will, etc. Woohoo.)
5) Found out the second job I applied for won't hire me because I'm the wrong race. (I applied for a tutoring job that pays $60/hr and found out today that the owner/operator is only hiring black people since most of their tutoring students are black.)


It's been a great day.

If you're curious...

For those of you who are wondering, yes, I will be posting the rest of the blogs about our Chicago/Iowa trip soon!  Stay tuned!

Can I clone myself?

The thing I hate the most about being a single mom is that I feel like I never have time for the Punkin.  It wasn't that bad this summer because I didn't have to go to work and we got to spend all day together, which I totally loved.  But I've only been back in school 4 days and I already feel like I'm neglecting her.  I've been trying to get to the gym regularly since we got back from vacation but I feel guilty whenever I go because she has to be in the gym daycare for an hour while I work out, which is an hour I could be spending with her.  So then it becomes a battle of what's more important: the long term goal of getting healthy and losing weight, or the short term goal of spending as much time as possible with Julianne.  I hate having to choose between the two.

Take today, for example.  I had to work regular hours (8 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.) but I didn't get out of school until about 4:00.  Drove to the sitter to get Punkin, then on the way home I stopped at Al.bertson's to get some stuff for dinner.  By the time we got home, it was 5:15, and I really wanted to go to the 6:30 BodyFlow class at the gym, which meant we had to leave at 6:15.  So I had an hour to get dinner ready and eat it.  I was also planning on Bren coming over after we got home, so I wanted to do the dishes, vacuum the house and change the sheets on my bed.  I started cooking dinner and doing the dishes at the same time, but it was difficult because Julianne wanted to be held.  When I made it clear that I was trying to cook dinner and couldn't really hold her, she decided to go wild.  She took off her diaper and started running around the house, and pooped on the throw rug in the kitchen and peed all over the living room carpet even though she is perfectly capable of using the potty and knows right where it is.  Sigh.  So instead of spending time with her, I had to clean that up.

Dinner wasn't ready till about 6:05, which means there were only 10 minutes to eat.  I figured I could eat when I got home, but Punkin needed to eat so I sat her down with a bowl while I got dressed.  So that was 10 minutes I couldn't spend with her because I had to make sure I was dressed.  We headed to the gym, I dropped her in the daycare, went to class for an hour, then picked her up and came home.  We got home at 7:45, then I only got to spend 45 minutes with her before bedtime.  We sat in my chair and shared a bowl of noodles (my dinner that I never got to eat!) and watched some TV before we went in her room and changed her diaper and put her  in jammies.  We rocked in the rocking chair while I sang "Rock-A-Bye-Baby" over and over (and over and over and over and over), which has really become my favorite nighttime ritual with her, and then she went to bed.

So all in all, I feel like I hardly spent any time with her today.  I'd say maybe an hour this morning getting ready to go and on the drive to work.  Then maybe an hour this afternoon on the way home from work and at the store.  Maybe 15 minutes at home while I worked on dinner, 10 minutes to the gym, 10 minutes home from the gym, and 45 minutes before bed.  So, in the 14.5 hours I've been awake today, I've only spent 3 hours and 20 minutes with Punkin, and I wouldn't call much of that quality time, since 68% of Punkin time was spent in the car.

I only spent 24% of my day with the love of my life.  I spent 55% of my day at my job that I... well... at my job.

I spent 7% of my day having "me" time, which is what I am constantly told is my workout.  But oddly enough, I don't think about myself during my workouts.  I think about Punkin.

I HATE HATE HATE that I can't spend more time with her.  I HATE HATE HATE it.

Iowa: Day 3

We were going to try to go to the pool today, but it didn't work for us because when we woke up, it was raining (again).  I was disappointed, because I figured that meant that we'd have to be stuck in the house all day.  It was nice just hanging out in the house yesterday, but the kids really needed to get out and do something.  Especially because Silas was having a hard time sharing with Punkin and that just led to a lot of fighting with each other.  It's frustrating to both the kids and the moms, so we were hoping to get out and do something.  It made it a bit worse because Jasmine is watching a little girl this week named River, so not only did Punkin and Silas have to share with each other, they had to share with River, too.  And having three kiddos 4 and under in one small room for the day wasn't really going to work out.

We squeezed the 3 munchkins into the back of the car!

Eventually we decided that even though it was raining, we would go into downtown Independence so we could go to some of the little shops and so I could take pictures of the buildings and whatnot.  We piled all three kids in the car and went down to this little country/antique shop called The Little Red School House and looked around in there for a bit, then tried to find postcards in the dollar store, with not much luck.  I was determined to find postcards to send home from Iowa since I didn't get a chance to send any from Chicago, but I so far I hadn't been able to find any in any of the store we went to.  We stopped in Connie's Hallmark and the drugstore, then we went to S&K Collectibles on the main street through town and I was finally able to find my postcards.  As we were leaving the shops, we realized the kids needed to be changed and it was time for lunch and nap, so we decided to head back to Jasmine's house (like a mile or two away - how's that for convenient?!) and go back to downtown later in the afternoon.

Trying to get on a bike in downtown

We did lunch and nap as planned, and then River's family came to get her, so Jasmine and I were ready to take Silas and Punkin back into downtown.  We got back in the car and drove back downtown, then parked on one side of the street and got out to walk around a bit.  Punkin really liked being able to walk instead of having to be in her stroller and found plenty of stuff to play with.  We went into Laree's and I was able to find some more (and different) postcards to buy.  There were also tons of toys in the store, but Punkin was mostly fascinated with several huge stuffed dogs that she found and spent a good bit of time sitting on the floor, petting "her" puppies.

After heading home from downtown, the rest of the day was uneventful.  We had corn on the cob and salad for dinner (the kids had some leftover chicken breast too) and Jasmine forced me to watch The Bachelorette against my will (despite my best efforts, I found myself actually somewhat interested and felt really bad for Chris when she told him to get lost).  Tomorrow we're going to Backbone State Park for a picnic!

Iowa: Day 2

Iowa: Day 2 was a whole lotta nothing.  After the adventures in Chicago and the long drive back to Iowa, no one was really in a hurry to do anything exciting.  I wanted to go to church, so when we got up in the morning, Jasmine called the only Catholic church in town and found out that mass was at 10, which gave me plenty of time to take a shower and get ready to go.  I had also decided that I was famished and nothing less than McDonald's for breakfast was going to satisfy me.  So after I was all ready to go, Jon and I climbed in the car and headed five minutes down the road to the only McDonald's in town.  Jon had gone out the night before to get some groceries and brought me back a huge box of Luvs diapers for Punkin, so I bought breakfast for everyone to pay them back.  After hardly eating anything for the last day and a half, those two little sausage burritos tasted like manna from heaven.  Of course I spilled some schmutz on my shirt, though.  Go fig!

St. John's Catholic Church, where I went to mass

After McDonald's, we were still way early for church and I had no desire to go sit and be stared at by the locals, so Jon drove me around through Independence and showed me where they take Silas to play, and where his mom lives, among other places.  When we eventually got to the church, Jon dropped me off out front and I went inside.  The church looks a lot bigger from the outside than it really is.  I liked it, though.  It was old, and it smelled like a church.  Everything was wood and glass.  I sat halfway up on the middle aisle and was very happy that no one seemed to be staring at me - all the people were really nice.

I had a moment of panic, though.  During communion, everyone filed themselves out of their aisles - no ushers standing there to make sure that everyone waited patiently - and we stood in line to go to the front of the church.  But I quickly realized that people were making the line in the middle of the aisle and the outsides of the aisle were for people heading back to their seats.  So I got confused with where I was supposed to stand, especially because I knew I wanted wine and no one in front of me was getting it.  I couldn't figure out whether I was supposed to get wine, then head back down the middle aisle, or get wine and then make my way to the outside of the pews and come in from the side.  It was all very confusing, but thankfully the guy two people ahead of me got wine and I just followed him back down the middle aisle.

Part of downtown Independence

After mass, I went outside to wait for Jon and took some pictures of the town.  It's a very cute little town - the epitome of small town America.  There's one main grocery store called Fareway, and then the tiniest little Super Wal-Mart I've ever seen in my life.  It also has a cute little main street with a pharmacy, a hardware store and some specialty shops.  It really does remind me of Main Street at the Magic Kingdom at Disney World.  It's the kind of town that I would love to live in one day - it seems like a great place to raise kids and know they're going to turn out okay and with wholesome family values.


Shortly after I got back from church, we had lunch and then the kids went down for a nap.  Jasmine needed groceries for the week, so she and I went to Wal-Mart while the kids slept and Jon kept an eye on them.  We got pulled pork for sandwiches, chicken and tomato sauce for pasta, salad stuff and grapes for snacks.  Jasmine also got Punkin a little "Iowa Princess" t-shirt and I bought Punkin a Dora blanket since Silas has his own blanket that he's protective over.  I was worried Punkin would wake up and freak out when she saw I wasn't there, but once we got back we found they were still sleeping.  Jasmine spent the rest of the day making pulled pork and pasta so we would have stuff for dinner and lunches for the next few days, and the kids spent the rest of the day in the playroom alternately playing and fighting with each other till bathtime and bedtime.

Ah, toddlers.  They're awesome.

Chicago: Day 2/Iowa: Day 1

The plan for today was to get up and attempt to get into downtown Chicago, seeing as how it was Saturday and the traffic wouldn't be as intense.  But when we all woke up and Jasmine opened the curtains in the hotel room, we saw that it was a miserable, rainy day.  So we nixed the Chicago idea.  I was disappointed, because I really wanted to be able to say I had gone to Navy Pier.  But taking the kids down there in the rain would have been a stupid idea.

Starting off on our trip!

We decided to have a leisurely morning in the room, then pack up our stuff and get on our way to Iowa so everyone could relax at Jasmine's house.  I wasn't looking forward to the 5 hour drive because the longest Punkin had ever been in the car was about 2 hours and I didn't know how she would do.  She wound up surprising me, though.  After we were checked out and loaded into the car, we took off and she fell asleep pretty quickly.

Iowa Scenery

The drive itself was quite uneventful.  Jasmine's car doesn't have A/C so it was warm, but the airflow from her open window made it bearable.  Most of the beginning of the trip was cloudy as we were driving by Illinois corn and soybean fields.  I really liked the scenery - Jasmine says it wasn't as pretty as the route she took to get to Chicago, but I still enjoyed it . It reminded me of when I was a kid and we would drive from Texas to Pennsylvania.  Lots of low hills and farmland, with big white farm houses and fields of cows and horses.  The kids weren't nearly as interested in the scenery as I was, so thankfully they were really interested in Punkin's Dora and Barney videos on her DVD player.

The gas station we stopped at

At one point as we were driving through Illinois, we realized we needed gas soon, so we got off at the next exit.  The only gas station on the entire exit was 3 miles off the highway in a tiny little town called Lyndon (population 1,500).  I loved the little town - you could tell, even just driving down the two lane road, that everyone in that town knew each other.  We found the little Conoco gas pumps, which were sitting in front of a little place called Gibson's General Store.  The station was right across from a corn field sitting between two houses, and it was so CUTE!  I swear... if I could be sure that I was within a reasonable driving distance of a Wal-Mart and a Taco Bell, I would LOVE to pack Punkin up and move to a tiny little town like that.  I even looked on Zillow as soon as we got to Jasmine's house to see if they had any houses for sale in the town (there were 2).

The People of Iowa Welcome You!

The Mighty Mississip!

Not long after we got back on the highway, we passed into Iowa and I was able to cross state #26 off my list of states visited.  I am officially half finished with my Bucket List goal of visiting all 50 states!  I'm still behind, though.  I wanted to hit a new state every year until I turned 50, but I'm 29 and I'm still only at state 26.  So hopefully for the next couple of years I can hit at least 2 new states per year to catch up.  I was driving, so I made Jasmine pull over so I could take a picture of the Iowa sign, lol.   I even took one with my phone so I could upload it to Facebook and show people that I really WAS in the land of corn!  Not long after that, I got really excited because we crossed the Mississippi River - something else that reminded me of when we used to take road trips when I was a kid.

We stopped in Cedar Rapids to have lunch at Olive Garden.  It was nice to get out of the car to stretch, but disappointing that we still had an hour or so to go to get to Jasmine's house.  We ate fairly quickly and got back in the car.  Punkin put up a fuss - I think because she was hot and was REALLY tired of being in the car.  She didn't do too bad though.  I really am proud of how well she has handled all of the traveling thus far.  She's not been good at long car trips in the past but she seemed to make the best of this one.  I think it's because she had her DVD player.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to buy her one of her own since the one we have is my friend Michelle's and we'll have to return it.

We drove through downtown Independence, but I was so tired that I didn't pay much attention to it.  I'm hoping we'll get to go into town one day while we're here so I can take some pictures and experience a taste of small-town life.  Once we got to Jasmine's house, we did a whole lotta NUTHIN.  No one even really wanted to move.  The kids played in the playroom while the adults just vegged out.  I met Jon, Jasmine's husband, and their friend Dave, who kind of lives in the basement like some old hermit of an uncle.  He's nice though, so I can't really complain.  We had Hamburger Helper for dinner with ground beef (only important since Jasmine has been trying to sell me on the idea of eating ground deer meat - ew) and again I was surprised with Punkin - she's not a beef eater but she totally polished off a big bowl of that enchilada Hamburger Helper!  Bedtime went easy - I rocked her in Silas' wicker rocking chair and sang Rock-A-Bye-Baby to her over and over and she fell asleep on my shoulder.  I love rocking my babe. :-)

Jasmine and I watched part of The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds until I fell asleep on the couch.  It was a damn long day, and I was tired!  Thankfully the couch was comfy and I was able to sleep all night!

Chicago: Day One - The Bad Stuff!

I was really excited to go to the Lincoln Park Zoo.  In the weeks leading up to this vacation, I researched it on the internet and found it's one of the last free zoos in the US.  So I was super excited about going, especially because it was going to be free and because I know how much Punkin loves animals.  I wish I had been more aware of where our hotel was in relationship to the zoo, though.  We pulled it up on the GPS on my phone and found it was about 12 miles away by way of I-90, which is not that far at all.

Once we got going, though, we found that it certainly wasn't going to take us only 20 minutes, like the GPS said.  The traffic in Chicago is HORRIBLE.  HOR-RI-BLE.  Almost as soon as we got on I-90, the traffic started, and it was dense.  There was no way to move from lane to lane and we never broke 10 mph the whole time.  The kids were okay at first... they both dozed off.  But almost an hour later, when we had only gone about 5 miles, Silas woke up in a complete meltdown.  Punkin slept through it at first but soon it escalated into a fit the likes of which I've never seen and she woke up crying, too.  Silas was screaming and crying so hard I thought he was going to throw up and choke.  He wouldn't calm down for anything and both Jasmine and I started to get panicky.  Jasmine was getting claustraphobic and I was starting to have a panic attack.  About that same time, my phone died, and we had no GPS.  So we were stuck in this horrible traffic with a screaming toddler, a crying toddler, no idea where we were and no idea how to get anywhere.  I remembered that GPS told us to get off at Lawrence Street, so we looked out for it, but it was closed due to construction.  Silas was still screaming, so we tried to get off at the next exit, but it was closed for construction too.

Chilling in the car while we panicked on the side of the road.

That's the point I completely lost control.  I was in absolute panic-attack mode.  I could NOT GET OFF THE DAMN HIGHWAY.  There was NOWHERE to go.  No exits were open, no lanes were moving any faster than 5 mph, Silas was having a nightmare meltdown, Punkin was scared, confused and crying, there was no air conditioning in the car and I had no idea where we were.  We finally crept up on a little sidewalk on the right side of the highway and I made Jasmine pull the car off the road so everyone could try and calm down.  I used Jasmine's phone to call my dad in Florida to tell him what was going on while she took the kids out of their car seats to calm them down.  I was on the phone with my dad for almost 20 minutes, trying to tell him where we were and what was going on while he looked Chicago up on MapQuest and gave us some suggestions.  We were only 5 miles from the zoo (according to MapQuest) but going there at that point was the farthest thing from our minds.  We just wanted to de-traumatize the kids and get back to the hotel.  I called Monica and let her know we were turning around.  We finally got back in the car and eased our way back into the traffic, then crept along till we came to the next exit, where we got off.

We found a Dunkin Donuts and pulled in and got the kids some donuts to eat, hoping food would appease them for a while.  I was still in a panic, though, because I knew the only way to get back to the hotel was to get on the same highway going in the other direction, and the traffic looked just as bad over there.  I couldn't take another hour of sitting in the car with screaming kids in the back.  I called my dad again and he gave me some more tips (gotta love my daddy!) on how to get back to the hotel from where we were.  The kids had been fed and they seemed to be happier and I was calming down a bit, so we got back in the car to head back to the hotel.

THANK THE GOOD LORD JESUS ABOVE, we hit a major detour on our way back to I-90 and managed to miss the majority of the traffic on the highway heading back.  It only took us 15 minutes to get back once we got going.  We got the kids upstairs and into the bath (they were a mess from donuts) and then dressed for bedtime.  We called Monica and asked if she wanted to bring Elodie up for a pajama party and she did, so the three kids ran around the hotel room together till bedtime while Jasmine and Monica kept a close eye on them - I don't know if it was stress related or what, but I had developed a fever and a stomach bug and was curled up in bed trying not to die.  After Monica and Elodie left, Jasmine and Silas crawled into their bed and Punkin and I snuggled into ours.

I wish the day had turned out better, because I was really disappointed about the zoo.  Punkin had been asking about seeing animals for days and I didn't even get a chance to show them to her.  It was really nice being able to meet Monica and Elodie though!  I've now officially met 4 women from the BZ board - Jenn and Evan, Genia and Bryson, Monica and Elodie, and Jasmine and Silas!

Chicago: Day 1 - The Good Stuff!

Julianne and I had to be up at 4:30 in order to leave the house at 5:00 a.m. to get our 7 a.m. flight.  I wanted her to go to sleep at 8:30, but she decided 10:30 was a better time.  So I was up until 10:30 until she fell asleep.  And then I couldn't fall asleep, so I got very little sleep on Thursday night.  I eventually got out of bed around 3 a.m. and just putzed about the house waiting for everyone else to get up.

Once we were up, we all got dressed and ready, then headed off.  We got to the airport later than I wanted to and the line at Southwest was really long, so we were already running short on time when the lady at the counter told me that since I didn't have "proof of age" that I had to buy Julianne a separate plane ticket.  So my dad put it on his credit card and kept the receipt since they said he could mail the receipt in and they would refund the price of the separate ticket onto his credit card.

Once we got the ticket issue settled, Julianne and I had to RUN through the airport.  Security started out to be an issue, but I found a decent guard who helped Julianne and I get through ahead of everyone else.  Once we were through, I hoofed it onto the tram, then had to sprint from the tram to the gate and we were the last ones on the plane.  They had to make people on the plane move seats so there would be two seats next to each other for us to sit in.  At first they insinuated that I should just hold Punkin on my lap but I made a big stink about just having paid for a ticket for her and they were able to move people around.

Watching Dora on our flight

Juli and Silas' first picture together!

The flight itself was uneventful... Julianne did really well, especially since she had her own seat.  Played a little, read a little, watched some of her Dora and Barney DVDs, slept a little.  Once we landed, we found that our luggage hadn't made it onto the plane, so we had to wait until the next plane for Orlando came in, an hour later.  It wasn't such a big deal because Jasmine and Silas weren't at the airport yet, so we found a bench to sit at near baggage claim and just hung out there.  Once J&S showed up, we let the kids run and walk around while we waited for the bag to come, which it did on the 10 a.m. flight.

After we had all our bags, we headed out to the car, jammed everything inside, and took off.  We flew into Midway and we staying in Rosemont, so we had a bit of a drive . We used the GPS on my phone to get us to the hotel, but we hit bad traffic on the way so it took us a while to get there.  Chicago wasn't really what I expected... maybe because we weren't downtown, but it kinda looked like it needed some heavy duty industrial strength scrub brushes taken to it.  Everything seemed kind of gray and dingy.  It could have been because the day was overcast, but I have a feeling it looks like that even when it's sunny.  It was only the outskirts though, so I was still really looking forward to getting some lunch and getting to the zoo later in the day to REALLY see Chicago.

The hotel was really nice (except for the EXORBITANT parking fee of $22!).  As we were unloading our stuff in the parking garage, we ran right into Monica and Elodie!  Elodie is such a cutie with her big blue eyes!  And for anyone who had any doubts, Monica is SO sweet and nice!  When we checked in, the first room they gave us was tiny.  I swear I've been in storage closets that were bigger.  Not only that, but there was no view and there was only 1 king bed, which was SO not going to work with two adults and two toddlers.  So we spoke to the lady at the front desk, who worked something out for us and told us we would have to move as soon as we got back from lunch.  We were okay with that, especially because they said we could leave our stuff in the first hotel room while we were at lunch.

The three kiddos eating lunch at TGI Friday's

I used the GPS on my phone to find a TGI Friday's nearby the hotel, so we talked to Monica and agreed to meet there for lunch.  It was so cute - the waitresses put all three high chairs on one side of the table while we three adults sat on the other side.  It was so cool to be sitting there with these women I had only known on-line!  And the kids were SO cute together!  They didn't pay much attention to each other at the table, but they sure were interested in the food and their drinks, which naturally, all 3 managed to spill on themselves.  It was okay, though - we had a good time with our kids and just being together!

View of the skyline from our window

Our plan for the day was to try to get the kids to take a nap back at the hotel and then head to the Lincoln Park Zoo.  Back at the hotel, I stopped at the front desk again and we got our new room keys and went to our new room, which was much bigger and on the 9th floor, so we had a nice view!  Even though the sky was still overcast and hazy, we could see the Chicago skyline, which was cool!  We also had our two double beds, which is what we were really after in any case.  We pulled the shades and put the kids in bed, but they were having none of it.  They wanted to get down and explore, which is what they wound up doing.  So Jasmine and I were the ones laying in the beds, trying to rest while the kids were going nuts.  Eventually we talked to Monica and found out that Elodie wasn't in a napping mood either, so we decided to get up and get going to the zoo since it closed at six.  We got the kids ready, got in the car, and took off!

And that's when the shit REALLY hit the fan.  More to come!

Packing, packing and more packing

I feel like I've been packing all day.  Maybe because every time I put something new in the suitcase, Punkin would find a way to hop up on the bed, snatch it OUT of the suitcase and run away with it.  Argh.  After we had a good-bye lunch with Bren (who is SO sweet, BTW!) my mom came and gave Punkin a bath, then took her back to her house so I could get some packing and cleaning done.

I think I'm almost done.  I have a couple more shirts, my bathing suit and some snacks for Punkin left to put in the bags, but then I'm done.  I'm going to my BodyFlow class at 6:30, coming home to get Bo, then heading over to my parents' house.  I'm hoping to have both Punkin and I in bed by 8:30 since it looks like we'll be getting up around 4:30 to leave for the airport at 5 to make our 7 a.m. flight.  Ugh.  Just saying that makes me tired!

Leaving on a Jet Plane!

Punkin and I are leaving to go to Chicago on Friday!

A few years ago when I got pregnant with Punkin, I joined this online community called B.abyZon.e, which is like a virtual neighborhood for women who all have similar interests - getting pregnant, being pregnant, or parenting.  I joined the September 2008 Due Date Club, which is exactly what it sounds like - an online club for women who were all pregnant and due in/near September 2008.  We started out the board with an awful lot of moms, but unfortunately we lost a lot of them early on due to miscarriages.  The moms that made it through the first trimester generally stayed up with the board all the way through their pregnancies, but then after the babies were born, moms started getting busy with their kiddos and we lost a lot more of our ladies, especially when everyone started moving over to Facebook.  I was really sad to see the board slow down, but it was still nice to be able to communicate with everyone on FB.

Some of the moms that I found myself identifying with more than others were LaNeisha and her son Nico (born the same day as Punkin!), Suzette and her daughter Skye, Jasmine and her son Silas, Julie and her daughter Autumn, Genia and her son Bryson, Monica and her daughter Elodie, Amanda and her daughter Jordyn, Kelly and her daughter Riley, Mary and her son Sammy, and Julie and her daughter Tenley.  These are the women who initially stayed on the board and moved to FB, so it was easy to keep up with them.  I met Genia and Bryson several months ago when they were in town on vacation.  Punkin and I went to Olive Garden with them and we had a great time!  It was really nice to be able to put a physical person with all the typing we did every day.

Over the past several months, I've gotten a lot closer to Jasmine.  She used to be the host of the board, but stepped down after her son was born because she just didn't have the time anymore.  Julie and I both stepped up to be hosts, but after a big fight (that I admittedly was a big part of) Julie got frustrated with the lack of respect and the lack of participation on the board (I don't blame her one bit!) and stepped down, leaving me as the host.  (We won't get into what happened with Janelle, who was supposed to be the other host on the board).  It was hard for me to keep up by myself, so Jasmine stepped back up to help me out.  Once she became the co-host again we started talking more off the board and got to know each other well.  We talked about all the stuff we would do if we ever got together but it was always more of a joke than anything, especially after looking at airfare for Cedar Rapids, which is the closest airport to her, and finding out that tickets were over $400 roundtrip.  Per person. EFF THAT.

  Well, early in the summer I got frustrated that I wasn't going to be doing anything except house and dog sitting for my parents, so I decided to make it a point to figure out how to get to Iowa to see Jasmine and spend some time there.  Plane tickets to CR were still a million bucks each, so I talked to Jasmine and she said she would be willing to drive to Chicago to pick me up if I could fly into O'Hare or Midway.  So I did some research and found plane tickets for less than $200 flying into Midway, so I went ahead and booked one.  Unfortunately the cheapest flight I could get flying out there takes off at 7 in the morning and the cheapest one coming back gets in at 11:00 at night, so Punkin's schedule is going to be a mess.  That's okay, though.  I'm willing to mess with her sleep for two days to be able to take a real vacation!

So we fly out Friday morning.  Thursday night we're staying at Nana and Pap-Pap's house because they're taking us to the airport.  Punkin is sitting on my lap since I didn't want to have to buy her a ticket so I'm worried about that, but hopefully since it's such an early flight and it's on a Friday morning, there will be at least one empty seat on the plane (hopefully next to me!) that I can set her down in.  I just checked the Southwest website and there are still tickets available for both flights, so keep your fingers crossed!  If not, she'll have to make due on my lap.  I borrowed one of Michelle's portable DVD players so hopefully that will keep her entertained on the flight.

After we get in to Chicago, Jasmine is going to pick us up at the airport and then we're going directly to the hotel.  Punkin will have been on a 3 hour flight and Silas will have been on a 4 hour car ride, so both kiddos will need to stretch their legs.  Monica and Elodie, who live in Minnesota, will be meeting us at the hotel and then we're going to the Lincoln Park Zoo!  After that we're going to have REAL Chicago pizza for dinner (and some other moms might join us for that!) and then Saturday morning we're going to do Navy Pier and FAO Schwartz.  I am SOOOO excited just thinking about it!

I'm going to try to keep the blog updated while I'm gone so those of you who want to keep up with our adventures can!

Birthday dinner... sorta

Brenden took me to Kobe last night for my birthday dinner.  My birthday was Tuesday, but I spent Tuesday evening with my parents, so he took me out last night instead.  Throughout the day my stomach had been feeling a little off, but I tried to ignore it.  Brenden came to my apartment and we took Julianne to my parents' house, then went to Kobe.  We didn't have to wait too long (which I was worried about because the parking lot was packed) and they sat us at a table with an older couple and their young daughter and a deaf couple with another gentleman (not sure of his relationship to them).  I was proud of myself because I was able to not stare as they were using ASL!  Normally I'm pretty bad about staring.

Anyway, we had our soup and salad and I was fine, then came the veggies and I was okay, then came the noodles and I was... sorta okay... and then came the meat and I was... not so okay... and then came the rice and I was really not good.  I brought most of my food home because I just couldn't eat it.  I drove back to Mom and Dad's to get Punkin and they met Brenden and we sat and chatted a bit, but I wasn't feeling good and of course that irritated Dad and he told me to go home, so after a while we did.  I had Brenden drive home and as soon as I walked in the door I collapsed on the couch.  I don't remember a lot about the rest of the evening, I just know that Brenden got Julianne ready for bed and rocked her to sleep, then emptied the bucket every time I got sick and helped me to the bathroom to get in the shower.  He went out to get me ginger ale and Gatorade, he gave me a wet cloth for my head, and he stayed with me till I fell asleep.  He had to leave to go home because he had to work today, but I'll tell you, if a guy cleaning up after you when you have the stomach flu doesn't make him a keeper, I don't know what does.  :-)

I was feeling better when I woke up this morning, but not great.  So I asked J if he could take the Punkin and he said he had to work all day.  That's one of the things that sucks about being a single mom... sometimes you just CAN'T take care of your kiddo and there's not much you can do about it.  I don't know anyone else in town that could take her for the day, so I asked Mom to watch her.  She came and got her and she and Dad took her to McDonald's for pancakes.  I tried to get up and do some cleaning, but that didn't turn out to be such a great idea.  So I'm trying to take it easy even though every fiber of my body is telling me to take advantage of the time without Punkin to get stuff done.  I suppose I'll have time to do that later, but I just hate how I have all this "free" time and I can't take advantage of it.

Closed doors, opened windows!

Pete and I aren't dating anymore.  I'm not sure I'd say it was mutual, but it was definitely what I wanted.  We had ended up mostly in the "friend" zone... there was no affection or anything other than a quick goodbye kiss when he would leave.  Plus, he was so judgmental and close-minded about so many things that I cared about (he always had something to say about babies being born out of wedlock, or how he didn't believe in gay rights or global warming, etc) I really couldn't take it anymore.  And he was STILL, after 7 months of dating, talking about his ex.  It got to the point when I would actually get disappointed when he said he had a day off because I knew that meant he wanted to come over.  So when he started working at Disney and was never able to be over anymore, I didn't push him to come visit us.

Anyway... I posted an ad on an on-line dating site (because quite frankly, that's the only way I can meet people these days!) and I got about a hundred responses.  Most of the guys hadn't bothered to read my ad about what I was looking for (over 25, employed, educated, etc) and I'd say I had to delete about 60 of them.  I responded to the other 40 and got about 20 back from that, then gradually wound my down to 2 guys.  The first one, Shawn, seemed nice at first but then he got way too pushy - talking about how he'd want to adopt Julianne and how he'll come over and spend the night, etc. I kept telling him I didn't want those things and to back off, but he kept coming full force, so I had to tell him I wasn't interested because he wasn't respecting my boundries.

The second guy, Brenden, seemed quiet at first... not a lot typed in his emails and we mostly texted before we met.  We met at Olive Garden for our first date and I had to bring Juli because my sitter cancelled on me at the last minute and Brenden said he'd love it if I brought her along.  He and Julianne got along so well - the whole time we were out I felt like he and Julianne were the ones on the date and I was just along for the ride, lol.  We had dinner, then went to a lake near the restaurant and walked around the path on the lake but we eventually went home because it was just way too hot and humid and it was Juli's bedtime.

Once we got back to my apartment I got Julianne to bed, then he and I sat on the couch and wound up sitting there talking till two in the morning.  It was so nice!  I really enjoyed myself.  I've been to his place for dinner and this week I'm house-sitting for my parents so he came over here and I made dinner while he and Julianne played.  I'm actually going over to his place tonight because Juli will be at her dad's.  The other night we were laying on the couch together, snuggling (he's a big-time snuggler!  YAY!) and he told me he wanted me to be his girl.  I practically melted... he's so sweet!

Mother's Day Out

J took the Punkin today for his weekly visit.  He picked her up at the sitter's house this morning around 11 and when I talked to him around 4, they were out on his boat.  I panicked for a moment till he reassured me that she was wearing a life vest and was sitting nicely on the seat in the boat, not about to hop overboard in search of her "sishie" friends.  To be honest, I'm not sure she knows that sishies live under the water that she was sitting on.  But that's okay, she has plenty of time to learn.

As much as I love the idea of her dad teaching her to love the water and being outdoors, it kinda bums me out that I'm not the one doing that.  I don't own a motorcycle, I don't own a boat, I don't even own a life vest I could use to take her OUT on a boat if I had one.  I really want to take her canoeing, but I think she's too young to understand that she has to SIT STILL at all times or the damn thing will tip over.  I'd like to take her hiking but her love of exploring and running away from Mommy would leave me running through poison ivy, trying to catch her and wrestle her back into a stroller.  Eventually I will do that outdoorsy stuff with her, but I wish I was the one able to do it now.  I know even in 2 parent families there's always going to be one parent who does all the "fun" stuff and one person who has to be the boss, but it totally sucks.  She's going to associate his house with playing with other kids and going out and doing fun stuff and my house with being at the sitter's all day, then naps and baths and mommy not being able to play because she's cleaning.  I need to work on making sure we do lots of fun stuff together, just the two of us.

So since Punkin is with her dad, I decided to go do something I haven't done since before she was born: I got a pedicure.  It was soooooooooooooo lovely!  Someone pampering my feet and painting my nails... ahhhhhhh.  I feel like I'm supposed to feel sad and lonely when Punkin is with J.  Like I'm not supposed to enjoying anything I'm doing while she's not here.  On some level I do, but today, for the first time, I really and truly enjoyed my "Konnie" time.  It was great to be able to relax and have someone take care of me for a just a little while!

Even if I did have to pay for it. :-)

Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God!

Today was one of those days where all I wanted Julianne to do was take a nap. A long drawn-out nap that would allow her to wake up refreshed and pleasant and happy. Instead she slept for about a half hour, and only because she was so tired I put her in the crib at my parents' house and let her fuss herself to sleep. She woke up miserable and crying (as she always does after a too-short nap) and Nana had to take her outside to calm her down for a bit. I understand that she's a toddler, but MY GOD, does she have to get into EVERYTHING? I'm very glad that she's not a TV watcher, but today it would have been wonderful if she could sit still for just a half hour of Dora the Explorer or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She gets into every newspaper, every cabinet, every drawer... she climbs on top of every chair, every table, every piece of furniture in the whole damn house. I really enjoyed having Spring Break to spend with her, but it is EXHAUSTING spending every moment with her since there's no one else to watch her. I was supposed to go out last night but Mom told me after she already said she'd watch Julianne that she had plans and couldn't watch her. So I wound up staying home with her. Being home with her isn't a bad thing at all, but I think every mother out there can relate to the feeling of needing to get out for an hour of conversation that doesn't include the words "Mama" "Potty" "Good Girl" or "Night Night." I could have always asked Sammie to watch her, but Sammie lives so far away it would be ridiculous to drive all the way over there to drop her off, drive home to get ready, then go out, then drive back to pick her up and drive home.

In other news, I asked J if he was taking Julianne on Monday like normal and his response was "No, it's S's (his girlfriend) birthday." Wow. Must be nice to not have to worry about finding a baby-sitter and just be able to make plans whenever. I really want to just call him one day and say, "Hey, you have to take Juli for the next three days, I have an emergency, have fun, bye," and then just leave him to panic about what he's supposed to do.

But that's not nice.

Um, am I supposed to be playing tea party?

I was watching this TV show about a little girl who wished her teddy bear alive so she could have tea parties with him.  It made me think that I've never played tea party with Julianne.  It also made me realize that I've never played tea party at all.  I never played as a kid.  To be honest, I'm not so fond of tea.  I might have it once or twice a year if my mom makes it and puts sugar and milk in it.  Iced tea a bit more often, but I'm still not clamoring to get the Sunday paper to clip coupons for Lipton Tea Bags.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing all the mom things I'm supposed to be doing to nurture Julianne.  Do I need to be playing tea party with her so she becomes acquainted with the details of fine dining?  Am I supposed to be taking her to the child's art museum so she can be intellectually stimulated by the colors and shapes?  Should I be cooking different foods that I don't like so her palate can become acquainted with different tastes? 

Does anyone have the Mommy Rule Book that I can borrow?

It's just not fair

For the past week or so, I have been following the story of a 2-year-old little girl named Layla Grace. Her family has a blog (www.laygrace.org) and a twitter account (www.twitter.com/laylagrace). Layla began battling Stage IV neuroblastoma (read: really nasty cancer) ten months ago, when she wasn't even two years old. Over the past ten months, she's endured treatments and agonizing pain while dealing with this. When it became evident that Layla was not going to make it through the cancer, her family began doing everything they could to make her comfortable. For the past two weeks, Layla's parents have spent every waking moment with her. They have read to her, changed her, slept with her and generally been right there next to her as she's fought for her life every moment of every day. They have watched their youngest daughter - a tiny, precious, beautiful, innocent child - die a slow, painfully agonizing death, knowing there was nothing they could do to stop it.

Early this morning Layla went home to be with the Lord.

I have cried endless tears over this child that I have never met.  I have prayed as hard as I could that if the Lord was not going to heal her here on earth, that He take her to Heaven to be healed there.  As terrible as the death of a child is, it was almost a relief to hear that Layla had finally passed.  At least her suffering is over.

Not only have a cried and prayed for this girl, I have become much more tolerant of Julianne.  Every time I start to get frustrated with her for one reason or another, Layla pops into my brain and instead I hug my baby.  I lean over her crib at night while she sleeps and talk to her and tell her how much I love her, how precious and wonderful she is, and say a prayer over her.  When she falls asleep in my arms, instead of rushing to put her in the crib so I can get stuff done, I rock with her and gaze at her beautiful face.  I hug and kiss her more, I play with her more, I touch her face more.  I cannot imagine ever hearing someone tell me that my child is going to die.  The very thought of someone ever saying anything like that to me brings me to tears.  I cannot IMAGINE my life without Julianne.  As far as I'm concerned, if there is no Julianne in my life, I have no life.  I cannot go on without her.  It's only Julianne and I... it has been from the beginning.  There would be no husband to switch off shifts with me while caring for my child.  If anything were to ever happen to her, I would be left alone.  I would be ALONE.  Alone in this apartment.  Alone with Julianne's clothes.  Alone with her toys.  Alone with her books.  Alone with her pictures.  Alone with my thoughts, and my memories.  Alone with the unbearable knowledge that my child would never be coming back.

There would be no other children, no husband, no one to help, to experience the loss, and help me through it.  I would be faced with all of it alone.  I know these are all what-ifs, but I can't stand the thought of losing Julianne, and I can't stand the thought of being alone forever, without her.

My heart has broken for Layla's family.

No Time Off For Good Behavior

This afternoon started off rough.  When I went to get Julianne at Sammie's, she got mad because she didn't want to leave and started hitting me and threw her juice cup.  I had a feeling it was only going to get worse, and it did.

She threw a fit almost the whole way home.  She wanted my phone, she wanted cheese balls, she wanted out of the seat, she wanted to know the secrets of the universe, I don't know.  All I know is that I wish, just ONCE, I could drive home from work without her screaming in the backseat.  I know I've done that a couple times when she's gone with her dad, but what I really want is to leave work, drive home, and have her waiting there to meet me.  I really miss my quiet car rides home before she was born when I could decompress from the school day.  It's hard being the sole caretaker - I'm the ONLY one there is to pick her up and bring her home, so I can't rely on anyone else to do it for me, not even once in a while.

When we got home, we went to the playground for a bit, which was fun, but then I could smell pot smoke - I have no idea who was smoking it because I couldn't see anyone anywhere, even on patios - but the smell was definitely there so I scooped Julianne up to come home.  She was none too pleased.  She wanted to keep playing.  Once we got inside I just wanted to get some stuff done - tidying up, dishes, etc.  She had other plans - namely chasing after me, crying and whining to be held.  I was so frustrated. 

I am so jealous of my married friends - one parent to do the tidying, one to entertain the little one.  Even if there's no cleaning to be done, one parent can sit and just relax, which is what I'd really like to do sometimes when I come home.  I don't want to have to worry about dinner, I don't want to have to worry about getting the dishes done, I don't want to do anything but put my butt on the couch and watch a Law & Order re-run. 

No such luck when you're a single mom.

Shaking Things Up A Bit

I've decided to change the format of my blog.  Not the physical format, but the concept/contents of it.  Instead of making my blog a Dear Diary type of thing, I'm going to focus on life as a single mom.  It's a subject that I know very well, as I live it every day.  I have a lot to say on the matter, too.  I don't intend this to become a forum to complain about my daughter's father, herein known as J; rather, I'd like to use this as a type of therapy to help me sort my thoughts and feelings on the incredible difficulties and the unimaginable joys of single motherhood and all it encompasses.  This is the beginning of my Lenten journey- I plan to blog at least three days a week.  Fingers crossed! :-)

So buckle up... we may be in for a bumpy ride.  :-)

When it rains...

Julianne is SOOOO sick... except for the one morning she woke up and couldn't sit up or walk, this is the sickest she's ever been.  Her nose is completely blocked but it's leaking like crazy and it's all raw and red from when I wipe it.  She has this awful cough and I know her throat must hurt because every time she coughs she cries and then whimpers.  She's not sleeping well at all.  She did okay last night but the two nights before that she slept in my bed and neither one of us slept more than a couple of hours.  I put her to bed in her crib tonight but she is so miserable and I don't like the idea of her being in another room when she can't breathe, so when she woke up crying I brought her to my room and got her settled in "Mama's Big Bed," as we call it.  She's sleeping now, but I can tell she's having trouble breathing.  So I have a feeling it's going to be another long night.  I want to take her to the doctor, but she's not running a fever and I know the doctor's going to tell me there's nothing they can prescribe and to run hot showers and get the bathroom steamy, and use the saline drops and bulb syringe, yada yada - and quite frankly, I don't want to pay a $20 copay to hear something my mom has already told me.  But then I feel like a bad mom, like I should take her anyway.


My brother is getting married on Saturday and Julianne is a flower girl and even though I bought the dress for her, I'm just now finding out about all these other little pieces that I'm supposed to have, like IVORY shoes instead of white, a red sweater, ivory tights instead of white ankle socks, etc.  Normally I wouldn't care and just send Julianne with what I already had, but the bride's nieces (ages 3 and 23 months) are also flower girls and they'll be wearing identical stuff and I don't want Julianne to stand out.  So I called my future sister-in-law (whom I used to love, but ever since they got engaged she's decided she's too good to speak to me) to ask about the stuff and she told me that her sister bought it all at Target.  I've already looked at two Targets and didn't find any of the stuff.  So today I dragged my deathly ill child to yet ANOTHER Target and still didn't find a single little girl's shoe - not just in Julianne's size, but ANY size at all - in ivory.  Tons of white shoes; no ivory.  So now I don't know what to do.  Do I let her go in different stuff and be an individual and potentially iritate the bride?  Or do I keep going to different stores to see if I can find SOMETHING?

My high school best friend Michelle called me Monday to tell me she and her husband are expecting their third baby.  I'm ecstatic for them, especially because they tried for a year to get pregnant, but it was like a knife to the heart.  I want to be married.  I want to be having babies.  I am so jealous of her... but I would never tell her.

I wish Pete would get his act together... we both want the same things (at least, I think we do) but we want them on very different time schedules.  I want to get married and have more kids sooner rather than later, and he wants to get married and have kids WAAAAAAAAAAY later rather than sooner.  He is still carrying around so much baggage from his last relationship (ended more than 3 years ago) and can't let go of his ex.  I admit I come with a fair share of baggage too, but at least I don't lament to Pete how perfect my ex was for me, like he does about his ex.  Sigh.

And to top ALL of this off, my right arm is KILLING me!  The two nights Julianne slept with me, she slept propped up on my arm and I slept with it in some funky position, and now my arm is in so much pain, and the only thing I have with painkiller in it is Nyquil, which I don't need since I'm not sick!  Ugh!